Christmas Gloom

I started vomiting on Xmas Eve and didn't stop, ending up in hospital on a drip two days after Xmas. I was there four nights - I've just been discharged. Will write more when I'm able, but suffice to say that for now I'm feeling MUCH better, which is very good news indeed.

Worn

Been a bit vomitty the last couple of days.

If only I could know for sure that's as far as it would go, it would be easier. I'd still be worn out and fed up and constantly nauseous, but I wouldn't have to worry that each new vomit was the start of something serious and I wouldn't have to go to such extraordinary lengths to avoid vomiting in the first place.

The symptoms are the same, and nobody knows what causes it in the first place, and sometimes it doesn't start until the second trimester, so there's no way of being reassured apart from sitting it out and waiting.

And I've probably got several weeks of this to go.

Maybe not. Maybe it'll stop next week and that'll be the end of it. And wouldn't I be better off assuming the best, counting my blessings, thinking positive? How does worrying help?

Yes, positive thinking is the best approach. But when you feel nauseous 24 hrs a day, when you're too tired and ill to do anything other than sit around listening to the world carrying on without you, when your child stops turning to you for help... it's hard to think happy thoughts and keep a level head. It's the nausea that's the worst. I challenge anyone to feel nauseous constantly for weeks on end and still face the world with a smile.

But it's not terminal. And call it rampant self pity but I think that makes it hard for people to feel sympathy. It's the opposite of terminal. It marks the start of life, not the finish. I've been trying to think of a word like terminal that means beginning instead of end, but I'm stuck. My brain doesn't work as well as it usually does. Another thing to get me down. I'm used to reading a lot, thinking a lot, doing a lot, and I can't do any of that at the moment.

It will end though. It'll end, and I'll never have to do it again. And I am fed up of moaning about it. And once this bit is over, there's everything to look forward to. And I always knew it would be like this, probably worse. Time goes by, and then it's gone. This too will pass.

Bloody Useless Pills

The GP gave me an anti-emetic prescription the other week - Stemetil is its brand name, although what the pharmacist actually gave me was a small white non-branded cardboard box with a sticker on saying prochlorperazine, or whatever the chemical is.

Fine, no problem with that. No need for pointless branding and packing. Except that the no-frills character extended so far that the pills themselves appeared to have been made there and then using some kind of antiquated pressing-powder-into-pill-form equipemtn in the back room. Again, no problem, you might think. Except, remember what these pills are for: To stop vomiting. Powdery and lacking in coating, it is almost impossible to swallow these pills in one smooth go. They stick to your tongue. They stick to the wall of your mouth. Again, no problem. Except that when this happens, they leave traces of themselves behind. And they taste disgusting. So disgusting that the taste alone is enough to make you... vomit. As I did yesterday, when I tried to take one.

What kind of idiot would give such a thing to anyone? Does nobody think about these things? Isn't it bad enough that they no longer even make any anti-emetics in suppository form, and if you can't keep anything down - which would be the main reason for having them prescribed - that applies to pills as much as it does to anything else?

Grr.

Ticking Over

Nothing to report.

Still nauseous and tired and having to eat constantly, no better or worse. Have managed to buy (online) and wrap Xmas pressies though, so that's good.

Still haven't developed HG, so getting increasingly confident that I've escaped. Will probably never know whether I wasn't going to get HG anyway, or whether I've kept it at bay myself. I get worse when I stop doing / forget to do any of the things I'm doing (resting, eating constantly, avoiding various foods, avoiding stress, taking various minerals and vits, self hypnosis, relaxation, distraction, avoiding strong smells, reading and other triggers) so I'm definitely making things better than they might be.

It's not much fun but I'm used to it now, finding it easier to bear - particularly with - as it feels - the threat of HG receding.

Reprieve

Well, I guess that was kind of encouraging in the end.

I vomited half-hourly for several hours and spent half the day in floods of tears, but I shoved bread and water down me in all the gaps and by 4pm it was all over.

Horrible to have all my worst fears realised, but if I can keep it at this level I guess it's all right. Now I just feel normally-nauseous again.

[sigh]

Oh

So much for optimism.

Been vomiting all day, can't keep anyything down.

Will just keep eating, hope for the best.

Good News

All is fine.

I had imagined everything from twins to miscarriage to phantom pregnancy, but what we saw was one normal foetus, ten weeks old, with a heartbeat. Due date 7th July '08. Not my birthday after all, and best not to think of what else that date commemorates. Babies are rarely born on the due date anyway.

We also saw a doctor who took my HG concerns very seriously and made an underlined note in my file that I should be treated with a low threshold for IV admittance, seeing as the drip had such a positive effect last time. She also showed me which drugs they gave me intravenously when I was admitted last time, and it was quite a list! Stemetil, Phenergan, Ranitidine and something else I forget, all in the space of two days.

But I'm feeling pretty well again today. Low level of constant nausea, low tolerance to food smells and nothing tastes nice so eating is still a chore, but I'm used to all that now. This is my fourth day of having more energy and feeling only slightly nauseous, so I'm getting more and more optimistic that it'll stay at this level. And who know, I hardly dare to hope, but... maybe it'll stop at twelve weeks, like it's supposed to? How lovely that would be.

I even feel as though I might manage a bit of light Christmas shopping. I've abdicated all seasonal responsibilities to my partner, but the poor man does at least deserve a present he didn't buy for himself.

All good, all good.

One or t'Other

I've been feeling a bit better the last few days. I didn't even eat any midnight bread last night. Inevitably I felt ill this morning, but not as much as I normally would.

It ought to be a cause for celebration, but I have a scan tomorrow. I can't help wondering, if the relief of sickness is due to hormones leaving my system, whhich in turn might be due to a problem with the foetus.

I know I know, I'm a born worrier.

I'm glad they've given me such an early scan, as it means these worries will be addressed sooner rather than later. Chances are it's good news. After all, even when I was in the depths of HG, I would have breaks between episodes when I felt fine. More fine than I do now, in fact. I've no real reason to believe there's anything wrong.

I suspect tomorrow will be pretty nerve-wracking though. All that sitting around in waiting rooms.

When I had my 12-week scan when I was pregnant first time round, I didn't even contemplate a problem with the foetus. I assumed it would be fine, and it was. I didn't care much though, to be honest. I was too busy trying not to throw up. I failed. That pressure on the abdomen, when they prod you with the scanning thing? It was too much. I threw up over the side of the trolley. Luckily I'd brough a plastic bag with me, just in case. They showed me the photo, but I wasn't very interested. Yes, I thought. I'm pregnant. I already knew that.

If it's bas news tomorrow, I don't think I can go through this again. I'm too old, the potential gap between my children will be too big, and fears of hyperemesis and miscarriage will become too overwhelming. But the thought of leaving my son an only child...

Ah well, that's all silly talk. I'm pregnant, for heaven's sake. And that's good news.

The Bright Side

I think yesterday's entry was unnecessarily bleak. I had a bad couple of days and nights on Tue and Wed, but things have picked up since then, and today I don't feel too bad at all. Tons of friends are rallying round and helping with childcare, and Ally (partner) is being amazing despite having a big work deadline this week.

Even if I do get iller, I'm berre equipped to deal with it this time. Having a child does make it harder cos although lots of people help, he still needs his mum from time to time, and even now I find it difficult - if I get iller it'll be almost impossible. But anyway. Hopefully it'll be easier to manage tthis time. I've also discovered ketone testing trips (allow you to monitor your own hydration levels - last time I was entirely dependent on NHS, and only way to get tested was to go into hospital, which is hhideous when they send you home again and you can barely walk), and saw my GP this week who says I can go straight into emergency gynae if I'm ever worried. She's also given me some pre-emptive anti-emetic meds (Stemetil) which I think may be having some effect.

So, you know. Fingers crossed.

Waiting for HG

Gentle, delicate, fragile. Three words which recur in my head. Watchibng myself, treating myself with kid gloves, trying not to break. Even watching telly with my son brings about exhaustion and nausea and I have to retreat to the rocking chair again. "I don't want to go to X's house again, Mummy. I want to stay at home and look after you."

And all the time, the waiting. Waiting either for an end or an escalation. Counting days and hours, which meander by like indifferent fish trapped in a tank. Statistics in my head - the 80% chance that it will get worse. The 10-week date, next week, which is when it got bad last time.

My partner gave me a pep talk earlier this week, when he came home from work to find me in tears again and I told him I was worried about that 80% statistic, that maybe I was kkidding myself with this idea that I'm preventing it with careful management, that a lot of people believe that HG is unstoppable and once your body decides to reject everything that passes your lips, that's it. You're scuppered. No way out. No way in. But then again, some people think you can at least delay the onset through all the things I'm doing. Another woman tells of how she mitigated her second HG pregnancy by doing as I'm doing and eating constantly. She still vomited, but she didn't end up on a drip. And so maybe I am delaying the onset, a though that filled me with despair because it meant the beginning was still to come. But maybe it will end at the same time and I will have shortened the length.

Another thing I said this week, that in a way I wished it would just come and I could just surrender myself to it. Stop fighting, which is so exhausting. I now have to eat all the time. When I'm nbot eating, I'm getting more food. There's no time for anything else. If I get distracted, I pay the price and the nausea, the exhaustion descend on me like a block of black ice. Sudden. Absolute. Debilitating. Not that they aren't there anyway, but I'm getting used to the slow background levels. It's the overwhelming waves which come when I take my eye off the ball. The process itself is exhausting, debilitating. Constantly thinking, what will I eat next. I told him it would be a relief if it came and I couldn't stop it and I could just surrender myself to it, but that even that isn't there for me. Now that I believe I can fight it, I'll never be able to stop fighting. The thought of this lasting another eight weeks, which is likely... when every hour lasts a day...

But he told me, don't be so silly. You've forgotten. What it was like. It wouldn't be any kind of relief. Blood-stained vomit, burning pain in the oesophagus, chunks of stomach lining, pure acid burning everything so all my taste buds disappear, nausea so strong all I could do was lie in bed in the dark and moan, painful stomach from all the retching, hourly, 24 hours a day, weeks at a time.

OK, I don't really want that.

So anyway, I'm settling into some kind of rhythm. In the morning I stay in bed, eating bread, trying not to move, trying to get over the morning hump when the tiniest movement can and sometimes does result in vomit which then ruins the next several hours of the day as I feel a repeat performance waiting around the edge of my throat and I have to keep still, keep eating, very very slowly. Then I watch telly, and eat, and do jigsaws, and eat, and sip at water, and get tired, and cry a bit, and hobble from rocking chair to kitchen to toilet to rocking chair again. Then evening comes and The Daily Dip. I haven't found a way of escaping this yet. No matter what or how often I seem to eat, this moment comes. Where I can't move or talk and eating is suddenly so terribly hard, and I'm so very tired and so very nauseous...

I force down an evening meal and a giant vitamin tablet. It takes ages. And then I go to bed early, just so that I don't have to eat any more. I wake three times during the night, eat a slice of bread slowly, lying on my side in bed, wait a few minutes for it to work, then go and relieve my pathetic bladder. Apart from that though, I sleep. I sleep well.

But I. am. not. vomiting. (hardly).

If only I knew why. Because the eating, the staying still, the hypnotherapy, the rest, are preventing it? Because I simply don't have HG and am not going to get it this time? Because I haven't reached week ten and it just hasn't escalated yet?

I'll never know. Sometimes I feel hopeful. Sometimes I don't.

And now I'm going to bed. Just so I don't have to eat any more. It's probably too late though. In the time it's taken to eat this, I've digested the boiled egg and toast I just ate. I'll have to raid the night-stand loaf.

Night night.

Latest

I had a bad weekend, some really bad spells and one night with teh worst kind of nausea, was convinced I would hurl, managed to stop it by keeping still and doing the hypnotherapy. Same happened again last night, managed to stop it during the night but not this morning.

I don't really know who I'm writign this for. It's easier to write than read because I look at the keyboard and not the screen (hence typos). I guess I'm writing it for myself, really. I'm also telling people who want to know how I am, so I don't have to answer emails and they can come here to check up on me. But it's not exactly going to be fun reading. Who the hell wants to read endless descriptions of different types of nuasea and exactly how many times I threw up this week??

My life is strange at the mo. I had a good day yesterday, didn't feel very nauseous, even got bored watching daytime telly. I only get bored when I'm not feeling ill, which is getting increasingly rare. And then I started feeling guilty. I've cancelled all commitments, told everyone I'm too ill to do anything, and yet there I was yesterday feeling all right. I felt like a fraud. But anyway, as I was feeling better I picked my son up from school AND walked the dogs AND went to the supermarket. Big mistake. It was when I got back from the supermarket (which we live next door to and I only bought three things, but the queue was excruciatingly long - it's Netto, home of the impoverished, and there are never enough checkout staff) that I had the bad spell and could do nothing except lie down in the dark and listen to music. But at least I felt exonerated. I AM ill.

I can't do much. Have spent too long at the computer now, will pay for this later. Need to go and eat.

I can't do anything at all without eating first. I have to plan everything caefully, even a trip into the kitchen to make a drink, which can be exhausintg. Have to make sure I eat first, or it'll make me nauseous. Do something small, eat something. Do something small again. And eating takes forever, and the range of things I can stomach is limited, and I can't cook cos it's too exhausintg, and I'm getting so sick of eating the same things over and over and having to eat every hour. I can't eat fruit any more. I think I may as well cancel our organic box veg delivery for a while, as there's a minimum order size and I'm only eating a small proportion of it, so fresh food is wasted and I have no income so it's money wasted as well.

I've started doing jigsaws, to distract me. I borrowed a games console from a friend but eurgh, all those games make me feel ill. I want something visually simple but mind-taxing and time-consuming, like the "Boxxle" game I used to have for my Gameboy. I may still have it, but don't know where and don't have the energy to look for it.

Oh arse, feeling ill again. Better go eat.

New Tricks

I've found I have two forms of nausea: The type which is just intense and horrible and makes me moan but doesn't result in instant vomiting... and the other kind. The kind which I know is warning of imminent upchucking.

With the latter, the best strategy is to lie/sit very still and htink of something else, concentrate on relaxing everything, use the hypnotherapy to cast the nausea outside my body. Annoyingly my body's unconscious response to it is to tense my stomach muscles (and everything else), which is actually counter-productive. Relaxing all muscles but particularly the stomach helps.

With the other kind, I've found a few new things which work:

1. Ginger. This is funny, because I've been horribly grumpy whenever anyone's suggested ginger. Which they do, all the time. You can guarantee it. Tell anyone you're suffering from nausea, and the first thing tthey'll say is, "Oh, have you tried ginger?" I did try ginger last time, even before I had full-on HG, and it didn't work. But I guess this proves no two pregnancies are the same. I'm finding ginger and lemon tea is really helpful. Then again, lots of people swear by lemon, so maybe that's what's doing the trick. Then agian, I've been finding today that the most palatable drink is OJ diluted 3 parts boilgin water, 1 part OJ, and with some root ginger chopped up inside.

2. Dancing! I remembered this from the non-HG pregnancy, the one which miscarried. Well, I'm not dancing exactly. But sometimes I find it helps to stand up and sway to music. But not if I feel like I'm about to vomit.

3. Music. Loud music. Yesterday I spent some time lying on the sofa in the dark and listening to Bassomatic, which apart from anything else reminded me of my partying youth. I doubt this would work if I was fully HG though. It would almost certainly make it worse. But yesterday I had a really bad nausea spell and this worked.

4. Oh. I think there was something else but I've forgotten it.

Intro Post-Script

And now I feel the need to add a disclaimer.

That last post was copied from the brilliant HelpHER forums, over here. That place exists as a support forum for sufferers of Hyperemesis, and some of the replies I got made me realise some things:

1. I don't have hyperemesis. I knew that really, but I don't. So far I choose to believe that I don't have it because I'm keeping it at bay through my own actions, but I have no evidence for that. It may just be luck of the draw, I may have escaped this time round. Or I may just not have got it yet. I'm 9 weeks pregnanct, last time it didn't get really bad til 10 weeks. Also apparently it may be possible to delay its onset through careful management of diet, vitamins etc and environment, but it can still kick in at a later point.

I feel bad, because I know how infuriating it is when you're suffering from HG (i.e. hyperemesis) and people try to tell you strategies which will work. When you're in the thick of it, nothing works.

But I also feel bad because I don't want to believe that and I don't think it's helpful to believe that. In my current position, tension makes me feel much worse. Worry makes me ill. Anxiety makes me nauseous. So it's not healthy or helpful for me to stop believing I'm making a difference and start believing there's no escape.

I'm not suggesting that HG is a psychosomatic condition (i.e. all in the mind), I would never do that. But I do hope I can lessen its impact bby managin my anxiety and by techniques such as hypnotherapy.

It's always possible that I'm just lucky, like my mum was, and I've escaped it this time round. Only 20% of HG mothers, apparently, escape it in their second pregnancies. I just have to hope I'm one of them, and if I am I'll never know whether it was luck or intervention.

I'm so bloody scared.

Intro

[this was copied from a hyperemesis forum, hence was originally intended for quite a restricted audience]

Hello,

I wanted to share what I've learnt about my condition, because I
really really hope it might be helpful to others.

Sadly I can't hang around long because reading and writing make me
feel ill, so apologies if I'm repeating anything other people have
said.

First a bit of background: I was pregnant with my first child, Felix,
six years ago. I suffered from hyperemesis. I would vomit hourly, 24
hours a day, for weeks on end. Was unable to eat a mouthful or drink
a drop, got dehydrated, ended up on a drip. It starrted around 8-10
weeks (can't remember exactly) and continued to five months, but at
the beginning and the end it was only short bouts. In the middle was
a 6-wk period when I had three fortnights of non-stop vomiting and
ended up on a drip in hospital.

Earlier this year, I had a miscarriage. I wasn't sick during that
pregnancy. So the fact that I'm sick during this one is to some
extent comforting, because I wonder if it's an indication that
hormone levels are high and therefore healthy.

My mother, her sisters and her mothers all had hyperemesis. My mother
had it in her first pregnancy, didn't have it at all in a pregnancy
which miscarried, and experienced nausea but wasn't sick much in her
third pregnancy.

I'm now 8 weeks pregnant and the nausea has been increasing. This
week has been the worst and I have started vomiting. I'm nauseous
most of the time, but there are definite triggers which make it worse
and definite things which make it better. I'm also exhausted and
can't do anything strenuous, which will also make me feel more
nauseous. I'm also hypersensitive to smells and noise and bright
lights.

I've had two mornings this week when I've thrown up and after that
have felt much much worse. I was convinced the cycle was starting,
and that I wouldn't be able to eat or drink anything without throwing
up again. BUT I managed to beat it.

Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I feel easily as bad as I did when I
was suffering from full-on hyperemesis, and although my life is no
fun at all, I am hardly throwing up at all and I believe this is
because I am intervening to manage the situation. I really hope I'm
right, because if I am then hopefully I can help others too.

Here is my theory:

By far the most effective, and often hardest, thing I would
recommend... keep eating. Non-stop. My theory is that the hormones
build up in your stomach and for people prone to hyperemesis the
stomach is hypersensitive to the hormones, and reacts by evicting all
contents. The only solution is to keep stomach constantly full of
absorbent food (potatoes, bread, rice, pasta, crackers), which absorb the hormones and stop the stomach from reacting.

It definitely works. If I'm feeling awful, I have to eat stodgy food.
It makes me feel better. If I don't, I get rapidly worse. The BIG
problem with this is, the more nauseous I feel, the less I want to
eat. I have to do it v. slowly, otherwise my stomach rejects it and
the whole thing escalates fast. Add to this the fact that, because
I'm pregnant, my metabolism is in hyperdrive and my body is craving
as much energy as poss to get on with important job of Making Baby.
So all food is digested super-quick. Result: I have to eat at least
once an hour, preferably every half hour. Often I leave it too long,
then feel too ill, then have to force it down v slowly and sit very
still indeed. Any motion at all will have adverse effects.

The most important thing: I have to eat several times in the middle
of the night, to keep stomach full. Otherwise when I get up in the
morning, it all goes wrong. I have to eat while lying down and wait
for it to settle before attempting to get out of bed, and when I do
get out of bed I have to do it very slowly indeed. This is a crucial
time of the day. If I get this wrong, it sets the whole day out of
kilter. Once my body has been allowed to expel what's in the stomach,
I feel much much worse and it's really hard to get back on track
again. Presumably this is because the hormone level then builds up
fast and has nothing to absorb it. Some days I've spent hours and
hours sitting in the same spot, eating very very slowly, until
finally I get in balance again.

I find it's crucial not to move while eating, to eat as much as poss
before getting out of bed, to eat every time you wake in the night.
Personally I keep a loaf of bread by the bed and eat slices of dry
bread - three a night. Dry biscuits aren't enough, they're not bulky
enough to absorb the hormones.

I'm someone who has always vomited easily, and if I feel nauseous the
main thing I want to do is vomit. I find it eases the nausea to
vomit, so that's what I want to do. But due to this theory about
hormones being absorbed by food, I think it's crucial to avoid
vomiting at all costs. This goes against my nature and is no fun to
do. It means sitting very still when I want to vomit, thinking of
other things, imagining myself somewhere else, imagining the nausea
is outside my body. I used a hypnotherapist to help me with this bit:
He taught me how to hypnotise myself and convince myself the nausea
is elsewhere, but now I just relax, close my eyes, and try and throw
the nausea outside myself. I think anyone can do it with practice,
but it's not a miracle cure. I still feel pretty deadful. And without
the eating, it doesn't work. The eating is definitely the key.

It's tedious and no fun and I have to work really hard at it, but as
long as I'm not vomiting I know it's worth it.

Here are some other things I do to help:

Lots of rest, minimal stress. Sack all commitments, give up on
getting anything done, get friends to help out with childcare. As
soon as I do anything taxing or tiring, I start feeling ill.

Get fresh air and gentle exercise when poss (small walks round local
park).

Have showers. But not baths. They make me feel v ill indeed.

Listen to music.

Lie down.

Relaxation exercises and self hypnosis. Imagine the nausea is outside
your body and belongs to someone else. Imagine you are a leaf being
blown on a mountain top.

When very bad, remove all stimuli. Lie quiet in darkened room.

Drink as much as poss.

Don't eat anything fatty or sugary. You wouldn't believe how healthy
my diet is at the mo. Even a small piece of choc can make me feel
ill. I've sworn off all junk food.

Avoid reading and writing, as printed word makes me ill (this has
always been true - when I'm nauseous I can't read. When I was a kid I
could never read in the car. It's a recognised thing, but v.
annoying).

Avoid moving transport of any kind.

I was taking zinc (main active ingredient in ginger), and B complex,
and I don't think they made much difference. But now I'm taking
Pregnacare which also has iron, magnesium and various other things,
and I think that might be making a difference.

Things which don't work for me: acupressure, ginger, homeopathy,
acupuncture.

In my first pregnancy I used to try eating a dry
biscuit before getting out of bed. It didn't work. I now believe that's
cos it wasn't enough. I should lave eaten more, and left it longer
before getting out of bed.

Also, in my first pregnancy I worked very long hours until I was
physically incapable of working any longer. I think this really didn't
help either. That's why this time I've given up all thought of working
until late in the pregnancy, and I gave up work before I started
feeling ill. It's easy to get a doctor to give you a sick note if
you've suffered hyperemesis in previous pregnancies. Just tell them
you're nauseous and need rest to help prevent it developing into
something worse. I know this can cause problems with income, and currently I have no income at all or any prospect of any. But I would rather that than risk my health.