Worn

Been a bit vomitty the last couple of days.

If only I could know for sure that's as far as it would go, it would be easier. I'd still be worn out and fed up and constantly nauseous, but I wouldn't have to worry that each new vomit was the start of something serious and I wouldn't have to go to such extraordinary lengths to avoid vomiting in the first place.

The symptoms are the same, and nobody knows what causes it in the first place, and sometimes it doesn't start until the second trimester, so there's no way of being reassured apart from sitting it out and waiting.

And I've probably got several weeks of this to go.

Maybe not. Maybe it'll stop next week and that'll be the end of it. And wouldn't I be better off assuming the best, counting my blessings, thinking positive? How does worrying help?

Yes, positive thinking is the best approach. But when you feel nauseous 24 hrs a day, when you're too tired and ill to do anything other than sit around listening to the world carrying on without you, when your child stops turning to you for help... it's hard to think happy thoughts and keep a level head. It's the nausea that's the worst. I challenge anyone to feel nauseous constantly for weeks on end and still face the world with a smile.

But it's not terminal. And call it rampant self pity but I think that makes it hard for people to feel sympathy. It's the opposite of terminal. It marks the start of life, not the finish. I've been trying to think of a word like terminal that means beginning instead of end, but I'm stuck. My brain doesn't work as well as it usually does. Another thing to get me down. I'm used to reading a lot, thinking a lot, doing a lot, and I can't do any of that at the moment.

It will end though. It'll end, and I'll never have to do it again. And I am fed up of moaning about it. And once this bit is over, there's everything to look forward to. And I always knew it would be like this, probably worse. Time goes by, and then it's gone. This too will pass.